Today I had a call that changed me. I have felt the rock growing inside me for a long time. So long. Maybe one day I’ll post my whole story...but for now I need some immediate advice.
Cliff notes: mom & dad divorced at my age 9ish, she left to go back to to her family overseas. Dad cheated, then the women that he was with raped my 14 old brother. Yes you read that right, got him drunk, then got him to have sex. Brother ended up going to prison later for being part of a drug bust (pot user...yes. Prison for pot) and between our bouts of homelessness, neglect and me being ages 11-13 and left alone for sometimes weeks at a time a fam member took me in at 13 and raised me. I got a chance to rise above what I’d seen in that short period (the shit I could tell...this is mild). SO - mom is not in picture. She’s a post for another day- but she had told me I’m a grown woman, I don’t need a mom anymore, and has convinced my half sis I’ve never even met that I’m a bad influence. So there’s the cliff notes.
Fast forward...he’s always been a pot user and pills, usually pain or Xanax etc. he was prescribed a lot of anti anxiety from the VA, he has had neck and back surgeries due to partially his time in service as well as just not taking care of his body. Smoker for 50+ years, finally stopped drinking, but heavier into drugs than I’ve ever seen. The mood swings have become unpredictable, he cries at everything or gets angry and screams, very little middle ground unless he’s just a little high and nothing else- that’s his normal. I’m firmly convinced his brain has chemically changed forever.
Brother is now out of prison, wanted to live with dad but he wouldn’t stop drugs etc to be a role model for brother. For seven years whilst in prison dad lamented that my brothers incarceration was his fault, and once he got out he was going to move Heaven and Earth to give him what he couldn’t or didn’t give him before. So brother is now heading downhill for second time.
I have a high profile job in a professional industry-to the point where I can no longer publicly discuss or show association with my dad. I work with low income families, majority minority communities, and I work directly with top leaders in the community. I recently taped a segment for economic mobility for a local news station...it’s one of those jobs that means my personal life is easily accessible and if anyone started digging they’d see his prior DUIs, his racist & raging rants on FB & elsewhere, not to mention his current “activities”, my brothers criminal past...the list goes on. I’m no longer friends with him on Facebook after begging him repeatedly to stop and why ...his reaction was well if that’s what you have to do...I’m the one that is crushed by it and I feel tears when I see his page and see the “add friend” button.
Because as weird and as backwards as this sounds...I miss my dad so much. What I remember are the days we would listen to Boston at the top volume...he would pick me up at High school and we’d get a snack, laugh and chat, and he’d drive me to my house where I now lived with my “family member” .. (I barely want to bring her into this. She has passed away, but she was the shining light in my life. My parent in every way. Her husband tried to sexually abuse me...he was her second husband and would tell me at age 16 that it’s ok because we aren’t related...WTF...but she was everything to me. Dear God I’m a barrel of bullshit in my past aren’t I...sorry let’s move on)
So my dad and I had this snippet in time where our relationship improved, he met a woman who kept him mostly steady, he was still smoking pot but held a steady job, really when I look back those were the best years.
After college and he split up with this woman fast forward even further to now.
I just got off the phone with him, he asked me to call him. He said his neck hurts and he hasn’t slept in three days. He hates the VA, he is trying a heating pad, and he says drs tell him he needs to come in to have xrays etc. that’s not the problem. He then bursts into tears that he wants the pain to stop. You see, he doesn’t “feel good” every other day. Or when he’s went on a pill binge he thinks I don’t know about or can’t tell he’s on something. I’ve watched drug use from the time I can remember as a kid. I know what it looks like.
It’s affecting me. It’s affecting my new marriage-my husband is the most supportive and loving person I could ever have hoped for...he has now reached his rope too. So I’m in this middle. Where I feel guilt because my words today to my dad were - dad you have to understand...it’s like the boy that cries wolf. I don’t know when to take it seriously or not. Then he cries, like bawling cries. It’s draining me.
I don’t think it’s intentional...maybe it is. But the emotional blackmail is killing me. Brother ran off with a girl with three kids who convinced him to drop out of school after he got out of prison. He is now working to support her three teenage girls who moved back in with mom after the money train arrived, and he has convinced HER to go to school and he is paying for it. He owes me $6,000 from me paying his legal fees prior to prison but who’s counting right? Worse than that, you’re paying for someone to go to school who convinced you to drop out. My point is- relying on my OLDER brother (5yrs my senior) is not an option.
So it’s back to me. It always falls back to me. And my back is breaking. I could write literally all day about my experiences and I can’t tell you what a dark feeling it is and an uplifting feeling to rehash this in a quickly written post after a call that has me ripped up again.
The worse part is it doesn’t actually matter what anyone says or does...I will live with this forever. When he eventually passes away...I’ll be the one living with the guilt that I carried this resentment towards him and this anger that “why can’t you get your shit together long enough to see how you’ve ruined your life and continue to do so”. So here we are.
One more stupid thing. I didn’t realize until last week that he is legit an addict. That’s the rock I referred to at the beginning. I just never believed he was “that guy”. Like one that should be on Intervention...he’s such a kind person, generous (if he has it, it’s yours), loves animals, funny, witty, when lucid. That’s my dad. That’s the person I miss and I haven’t seen in so long. I’m terrified I’ll never see him again and the next ten-fifteen tears will be worse than I can even comprehend. For so long I bought the “I can stop anytime I’m not addicted” routine. The pot isn’t the worse part...the pain pills and other pills have fucked up his mind. He doesn’t even see it.
So....I don’t know what I’m looking for, or what can even be done. I started writing this in a furious search for answers, that there must be someone that understands me...maybe that’s what I’m looking for. Someone to just understand. I’m so ashamed of my past I can’t tell anyone close to me other than my husband...and there’s only so much trauma and depression I want to muddy his mind with. I think I’m going to search for a therapist bc I don’t know what else to do.
Anyone , any advice, any words you can share please do. Most of all thanks for reading. That actually means so much that you took the time to read this and you don’t know me at all.
Conversely, anyone who reads this and relates immediately, I’m with you 100% and I’m so sorry that you’re facing this too. The sad part is we hope to start a family next year and I will forever want to protect them from my past...and now I feel like I’d have to paint a different picture of their own grandfather.
I just want this ride to stop, I want to get off. I don’t want to be on it anymore. At some point...it has to stop right? The thought of his passing rips me to my core...and the thought of his declining years does too, because who will have to be there to see him continue to waste away until what will undoubtedly be a horribly sad and devastating end ...I will. He always tells me that I’m right after the fact about certain things he does and shouldn’t do. One day when he is on oxygen 24/7 or some other awful situation that I don’t even want to speculate, I know he will look back and wished he’d changed. But I can’t make him see that, and the prospect of that future is so heavy right now I don’t know which way to look. I feel paralyzed.
Submitted March 30, 2019 at 01:22AM by Philo_slothical1 https://ift.tt/2FKo3yU
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