One Year Later

I ended my relationship with a narcissist 365 days ago. It was a Friday. It was planned but unplanned. While I was at work, I was in constant contact with family, coming up with an exit strategy. And then my shift ended and I realized that I couldn’t go home.

I was terrified. I had left everything at the house - birth certificate, passport. He had all the bank cards. I had nothing but the clothes on my back. I was terrified as I checked into the hotel - like he somehow knew I was there and was going to burst into the lobby any minute. As if he could read my damn mind. Years of mind games will do that to you.

I thought I would have more to say on the matter, or at least a long diatribe of how great I feel now and how amazing everything is. And, truth be told, everything is going really well. I’m doing great at a new job. I’m living alone in the city, like I always wanted to. My house is clean and quiet and filled with only things I like.

I still struggle emotionally. The wounds don’t heal overnight, like I wanted them to. Honestly I thought the hardest thing I had to do was to get rid of him and I’d be back to normal. But that’s not true. The hardest part in all of this was to face myself, to step out of learned helplessness. To stop being the victim. To learn to actually like myself. To be content alone. I’m not 100% there yet, maybe around 70% there.

Therapy is a huge help. Setting routines - having set times for basic things such as making the bed, washing my face, etc. Learning to meditate, reading books and blogs on codependency and narcissistic abuse. What’s helped the most is just...being alone with myself and my emotions. Letting myself feel. I spent so many years in denial that once the drama of the breakup passed, it was just me and a locked up box of repressed feelings. I cried everyday for many reasons, or sometimes just no reason at all.

I don't forgive him. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t believe that I have to in order to move forward. He spent a good month trying to get a hold of me, to the point of harassing my parents and friends. I don’t know how he’s doing - I don’t really care. I never want to see him again.

Am I happy? I’d say, I’m more at peace. I no longer go through the extremes of emotions that I had with him. I’m slowly growing into this new version of myself - getting some of my old hobbies back while finding new ones. I’m getting to know myself, finding my voice. Trusting myself again.

It was hell, y’all. Life with him was fucking hell. I’d rather go through the ups and downs of this year all over again than to spend one more fucking day in that house.

I wish I had something more uplifting to say — maybe I will when I hit the two year mark. It’s a process, getting out of the fog. If I had any advice to give, it would be to trust the process. Let yourself feel.

The most important advice I could give is to go no contact. Stay no contact. Whether it’s a year from the breakup or ten years. There’s no closure with these people. You don’t need closure. You need to feel safe, secure and loved. You can give yourself these things - you don’t need them to give it to you. There’s no safety with a narc. There’s no security. There’s no love.

Get out. Stay out. Look up Shahida Arabi and read her articles on narcissistic abuse. Read the book Codependent No More. Those two books changed my way of thinking, about him and about myself.

Anyways, thanks for reading my ramble of an update. Huge thanks to the mods for running this sub. Having a space to vent with those who understand the pain helped me get through everything and kept me NC with nex.

Have a good weekend guys. ❤️

Submitted March 31, 2019 at 05:33AM by AromaticDog https://ift.tt/2FDcVTn