I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to write this out and post this.
I was raised conservative Christian, homeschooled, and lived on a farm in the absolute middle of nowhere in the poorest county in the state. I had only one friend, and the only social interaction I got was when we went to a small church of about 40 people half an hour away. Looking back on it, I wouldn’t say I was unhappy, or treated poorly. My parents loved me and my sister very much I think. But I don’t think they realized how harmful that isolation was to me, considering I have autism and anxiety to top it all off. All of this has absolutely effected my life in ways that I’m only now beginning to realize, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about.
When I was maybe 14, a new family started coming to the church we attended. They were a large family, 10 children, 5 to upper 20’s. This was huge for me, since it gave me lots of new people my age to hang out with. We all quickly became fast friends and would spend as much spare time between services together as we could, walking around outside talking or playing tag. For someone who was extremely isolated and had only ever had one friend, this was heaven. I loved all of them and they loved me too. They became like a second family to me.
At about this time, one of the girls in the family and I began to like each other. She was about three years my senior. We would exchange letters at church on Sundays, writing back and forth about random stuff. Eventually we fell in love. This was first love for me, and for her as well I think. It was fucking awesome, and I just couldn’t believe there was someone out there who LOVED me.
The issue was this: her family was much more strict and conservative than mine, and out of shyness and fear that they might separate us, we decided to try and keep our budding relationship more or less a secret. Looking back, I’m sure it was very obvious, but we did try to hide it as best we could. Her brothers would help her and I to meet somewhere private so that we could hug for a minute. It sounds weird, and it probably is. But for me, it was wonderful. I just wanted to be close to her as much as I could.
At about this time, my father died. It was incredibly unexpected and sudden. Her family sort of became my refuge as my mother and grandparents grieved and tried to figure out how to make the money work. Thinking back, I really didn’t allow myself to grieve. I was suddenly the man of the house and I tried to be as strong and uplifting as I could to everyone else, so I just pushed my own grief down. The girl and I became even closer at this time.
Paradoxically, the year my dad died is the one I still look back on the most fondly. Not because of him, but because of her. Thinking back on it gives me warm fuzzy feelings. It felt so good to be in love with her. Our families would hang out together more and we continued to get more serious about our relationship, while still trying to maintain its secrecy. This of course was nerve wracking for us, and it’s definitely not a healthy way to carry out a relationship, but that’s how it was.
We’ve focused on my family a bit, I’ll tell you a bit more about hers. As I said, the were much stricter in some ways, much more conservatively Christian. They too lived on an isolated farm, and they obviously didn’t have much money. The parents believed all their children must become missionaries. They made it very clear. The kids would be sent away once a year to a “missionary school” sort of thing. On the door to the bathroom in their house, there was a mirror with a handwritten sign below it that read “The face of a future missionary”. I never got the sense that the parents were abusive, and I liked them quite a bit, but I do feel they were narcissistic and controlling.
The girl of course had it locked into her head that she needed to become a missionary and move overseas. I never had missionary ambitions and we occasionally clashed a bit about this, but I got the sense as our relationship grew that she might have been easing out of that a bit, maybe prioritizing being with me over leaving. Eventually one day we kissed, and it was great. But that’s about where it ended for us.
Her parents did separate us, as we had feared. We never got to say goodbye in person. Over text, before we had to stop talking, I asked her to marry me someday, if somehow things ever turned around. (I know, this is cringy. I guess it just goes to show how serious we were and how difficult it was to actually get to talk face to face.) They forbade her from talking to me and they stopped coming to our church. Our families fell out of contact for over a year.
I can’t really say how traumatic this was to me. They had become impossibly important to me. And the girl and I loved each other very much. I became deeply depressed. It was all I could think about. And for that whole year, the only thing that kept me hanging on was the hope that somehow, someday things would turn around for the better. She went away to Africa for two years. I wouldn’t see them again for a long time. By the time I did see them again, I was pretty much broken. It hurt too much to keep holding on, and eventually I just gave up, and since then I’ve been doing my best to move on.
Apparently she is back in the area again. I cannot bring myself to say anything. I’m such a different person now, as I’m sure she is too. I’ve honestly been doing my best to forget, but to this day I still catch myself thinking about her sometimes, even though it’s been almost 4 years.
I still only have one friend, the same one I’ve had since I was 5. We’re roommates now. Since we were separated, I don’t feel like I’ve really loved someone again. I’ve tried my hand at the ol dating thing, but I feel nothing.
I’m about to be out of a temporary job I’ve been working, and since I live in the middle of nowhere I’m figuring I’ll move to a biggish city to try and find some sort of work I’d like. I’m very anxious about it of course, and I’m probably a bit depressed, but I can’t help hoping that maybe things will start turning around for me at last.
I really don’t know why I’m writing all of this. I know you probably have no interest in reading some rando’s fucking life story. I’m sorry for the tale of woe. Peace
https://ift.tt/eA8V8J Submitted May 08, 2019 at 05:02AM by sobfuckingstory http://bit.ly/2vIQffU
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