I've start to type this post out now what seems like a hundred times over. I've been a longtime lurker to the sub-reddit. Even so much as to make a new account after fearing my old account (OneTrueEric -my group of friends have like five Erics we know and I was the first one in the group) might trigger someone and I would feel horrible to know I may have given someone a panic attack or even worse.
That all said... yes, as the title says it is my Birthday. Star Wars Day. May the Fourth be with you. But as most here can sadly confirm: Any day meant to be "special for you" is often ruined by the Narc in your life. Birthday. Holidays. Graduations. All of them. As such, today is more on my mind for being Star Wars Day, but then I remember Star Wars Day -is- my birthday.
For reference, I've been diagnosed with Major-Moderate Depression Syndrome with Generalized Anxiety Disorder stemming from PTSD. I know, it's a mouthful to say IRL too! I will merely state that from my father, I've known -all- forms of abuse and hope you all understand as to why I would rather not delve into the gritty details. At least not now. I've not even said much and I'm already in tears typing this out... but today I make it to the end. Today I get to say what bit of progress I've made in my life. I've been in No Contact for over a year now and the only contact I have with any family is my half-sister (her mother was my father's second wife; now on his third) and even that can be sparingly. She's just busy. With a new husband and two kids (from that same husband if it matters to any of you). Life can sweep us away. Out of anyone in my family, she is the only one I sense truly cares and wants me happy because she cares, not from obligation.
It's been less than five years since I had a lucid moment in the deepest depression I've ever seen someone experience. Not to make it a contest. I just haven't heard longer than twenty years in a depression. For the majority of it I was just numb. Not wanting to kill myself but waiting for death. I would only be able to get up in the morning (if I even slept) was because of my son. We're all we each has, but that's another story for another time. He will -never- know how he saved my life. And that's a point of pride I can have.
I'm in therapy. Once a week. They even come to me because of my anxiety. I take meds. Nothing too potent with large doses. And I can finally say I have -good- days. Not just days where I don't feel so dragged down by my depression. But days I smile. All day. Genuinely happy with progress in my life. While my self-confidence isn't especially high, I don't -hate- myself like I used to do. I don't think I'm this horrible father I used to believe I was. I feel like maybe, just maybe, in time I'll have a life I can be utterly proud of saying is mine. But as of right now I still have to correct myself from believing I "wasted thirty years of my life" but instead "I took steps to regain my life."
I'll pause there as to not post too large of a wall of text for my first post. I just wanted to finally speak up...
Thank all of you that have been strong enough to share, so that I know I am not alone.
Thank all of you that reply with uplifting words so I see that there are those out there that want to help others.
And thank you all that made it this far. I just couldn't sleep and I felt like I just had to get all this out.
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tl;dr: It's my Birthday and I couldn't sleep so I posted to say thank you for helping me find my way in life, if only because I know I'm not the only one out there.
Much <3 to you all!
https://ift.tt/eA8V8J Submitted May 04, 2019 at 03:34PM by NerdyishThings http://bit.ly/2IZthd6
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