Why I am on the precipice: a chance to be witnessed

My mother is a pedophile who abused my sister and I as kids. It is a relief to write this but it is also my most painful shame. She was a senior social worker and this enabled her to get away with horrors.We were abused by my parents in other ways throughout my childhood. We were passed to so many people who also sexually and physically abused us. They number in the 10s.I grew up hungry, so hungry, eating chalk and toilet paper and flecks of paint in nursery. Our clothes stank. We were neglected.I was a child carer when my mother had an accident that landed her in a wheelchair. She tried to kill my sister and my sister ran away.I was groomed by pedos online who to this day have indecent images of me from age 13 to 17. I didn’t know any better.When I was 17 my teacher, who was double my age, raped me and began a controlling relationship when I was pulled out of school on suicide watch. I didn’t know any better.I got into an 8 year sexually and emotionally violent relationship with a sadist who anally and vaginally raped me and tore me so badly that for 6 years I had anal tears that went untreated. I didn’t know any better.My father died suddenly at 55, angry at me for disinviting his brother to my wedding. His brother was the one to give him cpr. His brother sexually abused me. My father had no idea when he died and he died defending his brother. I am so bitter but glad I didn’t break his heart in the weeks before he went.My anal tear surgery hasn’t worked. I will be on laxatives for the rest of my life. Something as simple as shitting opens up my tears and physically makes me feel like I am being raped again. I am a traumatised mess.I was sectioned and made homeless due to domestic violence in 2016. My sadist ex husband did not pay a penny back of the 9k he owed me and the courts would not help. I was glad to get out of the marriage but I am severely disabled and unable to work, and that money would have enabled me to build a new life.I was gang raped at a party in 2018. 6 people watched. A friend was locked out of the room and managed to push his way in but it was too late.I have been in and out of hospital for physical and mental health. My last and most serious suicide attempt was February 2019. My heart stopped in resus. I very nearly succeeded and woke in intensive care.Recently my sister and I told my brothers about the sexual abuse at the hands of our mother. Neither wants to cut her off. My sister has confronted our mother. She denies it.Bringing up the maternal sexual abuse has triggered a long term awful flashback. I just want some piece and quiet in my head.I have written 8 letters and a ‘will’ - it’s not legally binding but there instructions for what I want to happen with the little to my name. I plan to go abroad to do it. I cannot have people stop me this time.I don’t know why I am writing this. I need someone to bear witness to the shitshow that has been my existence until now. Thank you for reading. I know better now. https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/ejoa6x/why_i_am_on_the_precipice_a_chance_to_be_witnessed/?utm_source=ifttt